A House of My Own, But Still Praying for Home

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Lately, I’ve been falling asleep around 6 or 7 PM, which means I usually wake up around midnight. My work schedule is flexible, so I have the freedom to choose when I work. Right now, though, I don’t have the desire or energy to go back. I’ve learned that I can only do my job well when I’m in the right state of mind. I know there are many people waiting for me to return. I receive messages asking when I’ll be back, but I haven’t had the energy to read them or even reply. It’s not because I don’t appreciate their support. I’m simply exhausted, emotionally and mentally. At this point in my life, I feel like I need to step away for a while and give myself the time and space to breathe. More than anything, I want time for myself. I want to reflect, make plans, and think carefully about what I want my future to look like. I don’t want to keep living on autopilot. I want to move forward with purpose instead of just chasing the next paycheck. When I stop and think about it, I realize how blessed I already am. I have my own home, so I don’t have to worry about paying rent every month. My biggest responsibilities are simply paying the bills and putting food on the table. I’m fortunate that my work allows me to earn money relatively easily when I decide to do it. Because of that, I know my situation could be much harder than it is, and I never take that for granted. The truth is, my biggest struggle isn’t financial anymore. It’s emotional. There are moments when I find myself longing for something money can’t buy. I catch myself wondering what it would be like to get married again and finally settle down. Sometimes I ask myself, What if I married someone here in the Philippines? What if I chose a Filipino instead? What kind of life would I have? Would I finally find the peace and happiness I’ve been searching for?

These thoughts visit me more often than I expected. At the end of the day, I don’t dream of a luxurious life. I don’t need a mansion, expensive cars, or endless wealth. What I truly want is something much simpler. I want a loving husband, a peaceful home, and a happy family. I want to wake up each day knowing I’m loved and that I have someone to share life’s ordinary moments with. To me, that kind of life is worth more than anything money could ever provide. I know I’m capable of living a simple life. As long as my family is happy, I would be content. That has always been my dream. This is the prayer I continually bring before God. When I look back on my life, I realize how incredibly blessed I’ve been. There have been countless times when I felt like I had nothing left, when I didn’t know how I would make it through another day. Yet somehow, every single time, God provided exactly what I needed. Maybe not always what I wanted, but always what I needed. His faithfulness has never failed me. That’s why, even though I’m uncertain about what my future holds, I’m trying not to let fear control me. I believe God has carried me this far for a reason. He has opened doors when I thought they were permanently closed, and He has never abandoned me in my hardest moments. For now, I’m choosing to rest without feeling guilty. I’m choosing to heal, to rediscover myself, and to seek God’s direction before making any major decisions. Whether my future includes marriage or a different path entirely, I trust that the right things will come at the right time.